Beware of Pride

It has been interesting to reflect on pride within our marriages this week.  I gained better insight on how pride can destroy our marriages and relationships if we leave it unchecked.  As I read President Ezra Taft Benson’s Talk on Beware of Pride, I realize there are many ways we can allow pride into our lives, which can destroy those relationships we hold dear. 

Are we ever too prideful that we are not willing to seek for our partners influence?  In Gottman’s book, we can learn how we can benefit from the influences of our spouses.  He teaches us how women are more prone to naturally do this as they practice this from an early age whereas men are learning to gain this insight from the influence of a good woman.  Gottman explains that more men who are emotionally intelligent respect their wives and honors their influence.  This is not about a man losing his power to make decisions but yet a man without pride who is willing to stand beside his wife in unity to create a loving home with respect for one another.  As couples are willing to let go of their pride by communicating with respect, they will allow one another’s influence to benefit their marriage.

Ezra Taft Benson said, “pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.” We can clearly see this in the example from Goddard’s book called, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.  He gives an example of the “grapefruit syndrome” when a young married couple sat down to share one another’s annoying habits. The wife begins first, she goes on and on about how her husband eats a grapefruit like an orange. It bothers her immensely. When it came time for her husband to express is annoyances, he looked at his wife and said, “Well, to tell you the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.”  This quickly caught the young wife off guard catching her in the cycle of pride. How often do we see the fault of those we love but don’t recognize our own?

The good news is there is an antidote for pride… it is called humility.  When we seek to be selfless and forgiving we will become a more humble person, seeking ways to serve those we love most.   May we forgive the annoying grapefruit habits and focus on turning towards one another, giving respect and honor to the one we have chosen to love.

Ways To Improve...

In D&C 64:33 it says, "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."  This scripture has powerful meaning when we apply it to marriage.  In Gottman’s book he speaks on Principle 3, which is to turn towards one another.  The idea of turning ourselves to one another in our marriages will build closer connections by bringing mutual trust.  Gottman says that those who fail to do this are likely to lose their way.  How often have we ignored our spouse when they have reached out to us and we are too busy looking at our phones to respond?  How often do we misinterpret our spouse’s plea because we find it wrapped with negativity?  These are just a few ways we can drift apart as husbands and wives.  

How can we change? In Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work gives us great advice on how we can improve. He encourages us to find and strengthen our marital connections through emotional banking, stress-reducing conversations, and coping with our partner’s sadness, fear and anger. When we make deposits into our emotional banking by noticing how our spouse has been turning toward, it will help you to see the good things in your spouse and in your marriage.  Sending out a random text message during the day to one another will help you both feel important and will bring you closer together. One of the most important ways to reduce stress is conversing at the end of each day.  This allows couples to keep in touch emotionally and verbally communicate concerns of the day bringing relief while building stronger bonds.  When we are going through a difficult time of sadness or fear, it is always wonderful to have your spouse stop everything and listen.  Being an understanding and supportive listener is what we really need, not to have our problems fixed but to know that we have a trusted spouse who is there to understand and give support.

When we work on our marriages by turning towards one another, we are laying a foundation for a happy marriage.  It is in the small and simple things of the day-to-day choices we make that will add up to a successful marriage.  I know my husband and I find a greater connection in our marriage as we turn towards one another by spending time together, helping each other with chores, going shopping, and even laughing at silly things.  These small gestures show our affection and appreciation for one another drawing us closer together.  As we continue to make emotional deposits in our marriage, overtime we will have an increase of love and admiration for one another.

Fondness and Admiration

I am finding how Gottman’s philosophy on marriage is very similar to some of the teachings in the gospel.  John Gottman explains how critical fondness and admiration are in a rewarding and long-lasting marriage.  Throughout the years of marriage our spouses can annoy us with their personality flaws but when couples honor and respect each other it keeps their marriage together and safe from betrayal. 

Gottman expresses when couples can reflect on their marriage history in a positive light, it is a good indicator of their fondness and admiration for one another.  Gottman’s statics show that “94 percent of the time, couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history and their partner’s character are likely to have a happy future.” It is important for couples to express love and gratitude for their spouse’s positive behavior as it strengthens their marriage by looking for the good in one another. 

Likewise, we receive counsel from our church leaders of the importance in nurturing our relationships as husbands and wives.  We receive insight form our prophet President Monson when he said, “too many of us tend “to criticize, to complain, to blame, … and adopt the negatives of life.” But, “we can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude” It begins within ourselves as we choose to adapt a positive attitude by looking for the good in our loved ones. 

Elder Joe Christensen said we should avoid “pinpricking” our spouses to death by recognizing that we are all imperfect.  Recognizing that we are all imperfect will set the stage to find fondness and admiration in each other leaving us happier in our marriages and enjoying lasting memories. I have seen how pinpricking affects marriages and while some many say its not a big deal it is as it decreases a person's self esteem.  Finding ways to seek out the good in one another will create more feelings of gratitude drawing one another closer together.

You might ask how we can cultivate fondness and admiration in our marriages?  In Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” explains different activities couples can do together to nurture these principles.  A few include expressing appreciation for simple behaviors or acts of kindness your partner shows, recalling the fondness you each had for one another in the beginning of your courtship, list qualities you admire in your spouse and write them a letter of appreciation or express them verbally. Making each other a priority in finding ways to express and show your love will create warm feelings of fondness and admiration.

A Happy Marriage

John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has caught my attention through his years of studying and researching in understanding what makes marriages work.  He explains the underlying foundation of good marriage begins with friendship.

Gottman further explains that friendship means couples have a have deep mutual respect for one another and enjoy being together.  They know each other intimately as they understand “each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams” (p 21). They are in attunement with one another.  Being in attunement with one another means that couples have mutual understanding for one another on an emotional level.  This means they are aware of their spouse’s needs and think of ways to meet those needs. They protect, nurture and care for one another in their relationship.  As couples self-disclose their intimate feelings, they draw closer together by creating lasting bonds.

This marital friendship can spark the romance even more; binding couples together in a way that brings emotional security, while honesty and trust brings peace to their relationship.  Gottman explains how this type of relationship in a marriage portrays all seven principles in a marriage whether a couple realizes it or not.

In Gottman’s study, he found that a happy couple carries a secret weapon.  This secret weapon is the ability to repair.  This repair attempt is the ability to defuse a heated conversation that would ultimately lead down an ugly road of negativity.  While each couple handles disagreements and arguments differently, this type of repair allows couples to react in a situation where humor or the words “I’m sorry” can defuse the negativity from escalating.

We have the ability to create our own powerful story as we decide who we are at the core of our being.  In the book, Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD said that a marriage is not about a set of skills we have obtained but the “thoughts, feelings, and actions that are the measure of [our] character” are the key factors in a creating a lasting relationship between each other and with God (p 26).