Family Relationships

Creating healthy relationships with in-laws and extended family members can be tricky as each family of origin comes from different backgrounds with roles and rules they follow. The beginning of a marriage may become easier as newlyweds ponder the scripture from the old testament found in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.” Women can also use this scripture to reflect upon as they leave their mother and father to join together with her husband.   We can further learn from the Oxford dictionary that cleave means to be attached, devoted, faithful or steadfast, meaning a husband and wife should remain attached, devoted, steadfast and faithful to one another.   As couples are committed to putting one another first by being faithful and supportive, this will help them form healthy boundaries with their in-laws and extended family members.  It is important for a newly married couple to find their independence and new identity together. As parents we must adjust.

The author talked about a quote that hangs on a wall, it says “parents give their children two things: roots to grow and, and wings to fly.” As parents we must trust our children, their decisions, and be supportive. I learned this great wisdom from my in-laws.  They were always supportive in our decisions never lecturing us and only giving advice when we called upon. They have been wonderful and I appreciated their efforts as I am now taking on this same role with my daughter and son-in-law.  This has been an adjustment for me as a parent but I can see the benefits of trusting in my daughter and her husband. Staying neutral and positive only leaves them wanting to come home to visit more often.  Looking back on my marriage one of the best decisions my husband and I made was staying in school where we were far away from family. This allowed us time to adjust to one another without interference from family.  We learned to grow together by working out our differences.

Difference will come as family life begins and married couples should set boundaries on how to protect one another from extended family and in-laws. Staying connected as husband and wife while still loving family may be difficult at times but necessary.  Protecting one another is top priority. It takes time and patience to develop relationships but staying positive and setting expectations in the beginning can be a great way to begin a marriage!

Counseling Together

We learn from Elder Ballard the sacredness of Quorum Councils.  He shared great insight on the process of the Proclamation to the World as it came through the direction of quorum councils.  After understanding this process better, this can be a wonderful addition to our marriages as we find guidance in our decisions as a couple. Following the same outline the quorum uses would give us direction on how the council should run as a couple bringing the spirit into the meeting. 

I love the idea of having an agenda prepared at least the night before so couples have time to ponder the issues that need to be discussed.  This invites the spirit into our lives, giving us guidance in our thoughts to be discussed the next evening.  When the meeting takes place, the couple has the opportunity to invite the spirit in by allowing their hearts to be soften as they share their love and appreciation for one another. Couples will have different opinions on issues and this may take time to talk through them.  Being patient may take practice as we allow our spouse to make their point.  By not interrupting them as they express their feelings will allow the meeting to flow with the spirit. As couples continue to work through their topics of discussion, hopefully they will reach an agreeable outcome.  If they don’t come to an agreement, they can stop for the evening and try again the next day.  Sometimes it takes more than one council to solve or make decisions, this has taken place within the Quorum of the Twelve as they have continued their discussions until all are in agreement.  The Lord has said, “every decision made by either of these quorums must be by the unanimous voice of the same; that is, every member in each quorum must be agreed to its decisions, in order to make their decisions of the same power or validity one with another” (D&C 107:27). Being in agreement allows each person’s voice to be heard and the spirit allows those opinions to come together in unity for the family.  This can be a great way to strengthen our marriages and I look forward to doing this in my home.

This is a great resource for learning how to counsel together as a family. 

Sexual Intimacy

After reading a few articles this week on marriage, I have notice there is a common theme to each of them.  Couples struggle to talk about their sexual intimacy, which can become a struggle in their relationship if it goes unchecked. Spencer W. Kimball said, “Divorces often occur over sex…if you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find that there are [many] reason.  Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually.  They may not say that in court…but that is the reason.” If our sexual needs are not being met, we should find a way to discuss them with our spouse even if we are uncomfortable at first. Sex is not a topic that we should be afraid to talk about instead we can find meaning as we trust one another.  It may take awhile to feel comfortable in doing this but over time it will become a blessing in your relationship.

Dr. Gottman said, “So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are … indirect, imprecise, inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to end the conversation, hopeful that they will miraculously understand each other's desires without much talk … The problem is that the less clear you are about what you do and don't want, the less likely you are to get it. Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other and deepen your sense of intimacy.”

Intimacy is vital to our relationship and we must learn how to communicate our feeling to one another so we can deepen our intimacy through shared moments together. I really appreciated the advice Sean Brothers received from his mother before his marriage.  When speaking to her about what to expect from the sexual experience she responded, “sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love.”  The last part strikes me the most.  Sometimes we need to put our spouses needs first and just be willing to love them and yes, take one for the team. Not only does this reaffirm to our spouse that they are important to us, it validates our love and affection for them.  In the video Sex-Starved Marriage, Michele Weiner-Davis said that research has proven that women become aroused after they have been stimulated. Taking one for team can actually be rewarding for both couples.

Brent Barlow once said, “When we see sexuality as a vital part of marital harmony and happiness, it becomes more than something we simply give or receive. It is something a husband and wife can share. It might be called a sexual guardianship.”  May we watch over, protect and communicate our sexual needs to our spouses so we can enjoy the blessings of sexual intimacy in our marriages that were meant for us to experience.

Charity

Upon completing my readings in Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage has left me reflecting on the overall theme.  I have come to understand that marriage is a divine institution of God and when we use His principles such as charity in our marriages, we can create lasting happy marriages.  What is charity and how can it help us in our lives? The prophet Mormon taught: “Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (Moroni 7:47).  When we seek to become more charitable in our marriages we can find ourselves forgiving more, seeking to over look the negative or annoying habits. There will always be things that may annoy us in our marriages but as we learn to obtain charity by following Christ example we can change. We can change the way we see our spouse and the way we feel about them. 

In the last chapter, I was able to reread a story that has been etched in my mind for a very long time.  It was a story from the Ensign that Brother Goddard shared regarding a wife learning how to change the way she saw her husband so she could find the love that was once there.  I remember reading this story many years ago, yearning to do the same.  I had let the annoyances and criticism affect the way I felt about my husband. My negative thoughts had damaged my relationship.  I decided that I needed to change.  I followed this sister’s counsel and worked really hard.  Little by little I was able to change the way I felt and thought about my husband. I am so grateful for this sister’s story because I have now reaped the rewards of becoming more charitable in my marriage, over looking some of his annoyances and seeing a really amazing man who is my best friend.  Looking for the good in him has become easy, as I have developed more charity in my thoughts and actions, which has allowed me to use Christ influence to love unconditionally.

Marital Conflicts

According to Gottmon, there are two kinds of marital conflicts that can create distance in a marriage.  If couples can identify these conflicts and learn how to cope with them, marriages will thrive instead of survive. The two conflicts are perpetual and solvable problems.

Perpetual problems are the leading category with 69% of martial conflicts that couples face.  Gottmon said that he could interview a couple and learn of their conflicts only to find four years later that they are still facing the same problems. It is important to note that not all couples are dissatisfies in their marriages but are actually in happy marriages. “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive” (Gottmon 139). Marriages can survive as they find ways to approach their perpetual conflicts. 

Solvable problems are more simple to fix as couples follow Gottman’s counsel to make sure your start ups are soft rather than harsh, learn the effective use of repair attempts, monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs, learn how to compromise, and become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections.

How can one tell the difference between perpetual and solvable conflicts?  It will be different for each couple but a good sign of a solvable problem is how you feel when you are discussing it.  Do they seem less painful, gut wrenching or intense than the gridlock of the perpetual ones?  Once you can pinpoint whether or not your conflict is solvable or perpetual you can learn coping measures to use as you work through your problems.  One of the best ways to work through conflicts is how we approach our repair attempts. Staying calm, apologizing or expressing how “I feel” are small ways we can attempt to repair our conflicts.

Remember that emotions are real and that no one is ever totally right.  We all need to validate one another’s feelings and we can do this as we show our concern by validating our spouse’s personality and perspective.  Acceptance is crucial as it shows respect to your spouse.  As we turn towards one another by expressing our fondness and admiration for our spouse, we will learn how to appreciate who they are and the unique person we have chosen to love.