A Happy Marriage

John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has caught my attention through his years of studying and researching in understanding what makes marriages work.  He explains the underlying foundation of good marriage begins with friendship.

Gottman further explains that friendship means couples have a have deep mutual respect for one another and enjoy being together.  They know each other intimately as they understand “each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams” (p 21). They are in attunement with one another.  Being in attunement with one another means that couples have mutual understanding for one another on an emotional level.  This means they are aware of their spouse’s needs and think of ways to meet those needs. They protect, nurture and care for one another in their relationship.  As couples self-disclose their intimate feelings, they draw closer together by creating lasting bonds.

This marital friendship can spark the romance even more; binding couples together in a way that brings emotional security, while honesty and trust brings peace to their relationship.  Gottman explains how this type of relationship in a marriage portrays all seven principles in a marriage whether a couple realizes it or not.

In Gottman’s study, he found that a happy couple carries a secret weapon.  This secret weapon is the ability to repair.  This repair attempt is the ability to defuse a heated conversation that would ultimately lead down an ugly road of negativity.  While each couple handles disagreements and arguments differently, this type of repair allows couples to react in a situation where humor or the words “I’m sorry” can defuse the negativity from escalating.

We have the ability to create our own powerful story as we decide who we are at the core of our being.  In the book, Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD said that a marriage is not about a set of skills we have obtained but the “thoughts, feelings, and actions that are the measure of [our] character” are the key factors in a creating a lasting relationship between each other and with God (p 26).