Marital Conflicts

According to Gottmon, there are two kinds of marital conflicts that can create distance in a marriage.  If couples can identify these conflicts and learn how to cope with them, marriages will thrive instead of survive. The two conflicts are perpetual and solvable problems.

Perpetual problems are the leading category with 69% of martial conflicts that couples face.  Gottmon said that he could interview a couple and learn of their conflicts only to find four years later that they are still facing the same problems. It is important to note that not all couples are dissatisfies in their marriages but are actually in happy marriages. “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive” (Gottmon 139). Marriages can survive as they find ways to approach their perpetual conflicts. 

Solvable problems are more simple to fix as couples follow Gottman’s counsel to make sure your start ups are soft rather than harsh, learn the effective use of repair attempts, monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs, learn how to compromise, and become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections.

How can one tell the difference between perpetual and solvable conflicts?  It will be different for each couple but a good sign of a solvable problem is how you feel when you are discussing it.  Do they seem less painful, gut wrenching or intense than the gridlock of the perpetual ones?  Once you can pinpoint whether or not your conflict is solvable or perpetual you can learn coping measures to use as you work through your problems.  One of the best ways to work through conflicts is how we approach our repair attempts. Staying calm, apologizing or expressing how “I feel” are small ways we can attempt to repair our conflicts.

Remember that emotions are real and that no one is ever totally right.  We all need to validate one another’s feelings and we can do this as we show our concern by validating our spouse’s personality and perspective.  Acceptance is crucial as it shows respect to your spouse.  As we turn towards one another by expressing our fondness and admiration for our spouse, we will learn how to appreciate who they are and the unique person we have chosen to love.