Marital Conflicts

According to Gottmon, there are two kinds of marital conflicts that can create distance in a marriage.  If couples can identify these conflicts and learn how to cope with them, marriages will thrive instead of survive. The two conflicts are perpetual and solvable problems.

Perpetual problems are the leading category with 69% of martial conflicts that couples face.  Gottmon said that he could interview a couple and learn of their conflicts only to find four years later that they are still facing the same problems. It is important to note that not all couples are dissatisfies in their marriages but are actually in happy marriages. “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive” (Gottmon 139). Marriages can survive as they find ways to approach their perpetual conflicts. 

Solvable problems are more simple to fix as couples follow Gottman’s counsel to make sure your start ups are soft rather than harsh, learn the effective use of repair attempts, monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs, learn how to compromise, and become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections.

How can one tell the difference between perpetual and solvable conflicts?  It will be different for each couple but a good sign of a solvable problem is how you feel when you are discussing it.  Do they seem less painful, gut wrenching or intense than the gridlock of the perpetual ones?  Once you can pinpoint whether or not your conflict is solvable or perpetual you can learn coping measures to use as you work through your problems.  One of the best ways to work through conflicts is how we approach our repair attempts. Staying calm, apologizing or expressing how “I feel” are small ways we can attempt to repair our conflicts.

Remember that emotions are real and that no one is ever totally right.  We all need to validate one another’s feelings and we can do this as we show our concern by validating our spouse’s personality and perspective.  Acceptance is crucial as it shows respect to your spouse.  As we turn towards one another by expressing our fondness and admiration for our spouse, we will learn how to appreciate who they are and the unique person we have chosen to love.

Beware of Pride

It has been interesting to reflect on pride within our marriages this week.  I gained better insight on how pride can destroy our marriages and relationships if we leave it unchecked.  As I read President Ezra Taft Benson’s Talk on Beware of Pride, I realize there are many ways we can allow pride into our lives, which can destroy those relationships we hold dear. 

Are we ever too prideful that we are not willing to seek for our partners influence?  In Gottman’s book, we can learn how we can benefit from the influences of our spouses.  He teaches us how women are more prone to naturally do this as they practice this from an early age whereas men are learning to gain this insight from the influence of a good woman.  Gottman explains that more men who are emotionally intelligent respect their wives and honors their influence.  This is not about a man losing his power to make decisions but yet a man without pride who is willing to stand beside his wife in unity to create a loving home with respect for one another.  As couples are willing to let go of their pride by communicating with respect, they will allow one another’s influence to benefit their marriage.

Ezra Taft Benson said, “pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.” We can clearly see this in the example from Goddard’s book called, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.  He gives an example of the “grapefruit syndrome” when a young married couple sat down to share one another’s annoying habits. The wife begins first, she goes on and on about how her husband eats a grapefruit like an orange. It bothers her immensely. When it came time for her husband to express is annoyances, he looked at his wife and said, “Well, to tell you the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.”  This quickly caught the young wife off guard catching her in the cycle of pride. How often do we see the fault of those we love but don’t recognize our own?

The good news is there is an antidote for pride… it is called humility.  When we seek to be selfless and forgiving we will become a more humble person, seeking ways to serve those we love most.   May we forgive the annoying grapefruit habits and focus on turning towards one another, giving respect and honor to the one we have chosen to love.

Ways To Improve...

In D&C 64:33 it says, "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."  This scripture has powerful meaning when we apply it to marriage.  In Gottman’s book he speaks on Principle 3, which is to turn towards one another.  The idea of turning ourselves to one another in our marriages will build closer connections by bringing mutual trust.  Gottman says that those who fail to do this are likely to lose their way.  How often have we ignored our spouse when they have reached out to us and we are too busy looking at our phones to respond?  How often do we misinterpret our spouse’s plea because we find it wrapped with negativity?  These are just a few ways we can drift apart as husbands and wives.  

How can we change? In Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work gives us great advice on how we can improve. He encourages us to find and strengthen our marital connections through emotional banking, stress-reducing conversations, and coping with our partner’s sadness, fear and anger. When we make deposits into our emotional banking by noticing how our spouse has been turning toward, it will help you to see the good things in your spouse and in your marriage.  Sending out a random text message during the day to one another will help you both feel important and will bring you closer together. One of the most important ways to reduce stress is conversing at the end of each day.  This allows couples to keep in touch emotionally and verbally communicate concerns of the day bringing relief while building stronger bonds.  When we are going through a difficult time of sadness or fear, it is always wonderful to have your spouse stop everything and listen.  Being an understanding and supportive listener is what we really need, not to have our problems fixed but to know that we have a trusted spouse who is there to understand and give support.

When we work on our marriages by turning towards one another, we are laying a foundation for a happy marriage.  It is in the small and simple things of the day-to-day choices we make that will add up to a successful marriage.  I know my husband and I find a greater connection in our marriage as we turn towards one another by spending time together, helping each other with chores, going shopping, and even laughing at silly things.  These small gestures show our affection and appreciation for one another drawing us closer together.  As we continue to make emotional deposits in our marriage, overtime we will have an increase of love and admiration for one another.

Fondness and Admiration

I am finding how Gottman’s philosophy on marriage is very similar to some of the teachings in the gospel.  John Gottman explains how critical fondness and admiration are in a rewarding and long-lasting marriage.  Throughout the years of marriage our spouses can annoy us with their personality flaws but when couples honor and respect each other it keeps their marriage together and safe from betrayal. 

Gottman expresses when couples can reflect on their marriage history in a positive light, it is a good indicator of their fondness and admiration for one another.  Gottman’s statics show that “94 percent of the time, couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history and their partner’s character are likely to have a happy future.” It is important for couples to express love and gratitude for their spouse’s positive behavior as it strengthens their marriage by looking for the good in one another. 

Likewise, we receive counsel from our church leaders of the importance in nurturing our relationships as husbands and wives.  We receive insight form our prophet President Monson when he said, “too many of us tend “to criticize, to complain, to blame, … and adopt the negatives of life.” But, “we can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude” It begins within ourselves as we choose to adapt a positive attitude by looking for the good in our loved ones. 

Elder Joe Christensen said we should avoid “pinpricking” our spouses to death by recognizing that we are all imperfect.  Recognizing that we are all imperfect will set the stage to find fondness and admiration in each other leaving us happier in our marriages and enjoying lasting memories. I have seen how pinpricking affects marriages and while some many say its not a big deal it is as it decreases a person's self esteem.  Finding ways to seek out the good in one another will create more feelings of gratitude drawing one another closer together.

You might ask how we can cultivate fondness and admiration in our marriages?  In Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” explains different activities couples can do together to nurture these principles.  A few include expressing appreciation for simple behaviors or acts of kindness your partner shows, recalling the fondness you each had for one another in the beginning of your courtship, list qualities you admire in your spouse and write them a letter of appreciation or express them verbally. Making each other a priority in finding ways to express and show your love will create warm feelings of fondness and admiration.

A Happy Marriage

John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has caught my attention through his years of studying and researching in understanding what makes marriages work.  He explains the underlying foundation of good marriage begins with friendship.

Gottman further explains that friendship means couples have a have deep mutual respect for one another and enjoy being together.  They know each other intimately as they understand “each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams” (p 21). They are in attunement with one another.  Being in attunement with one another means that couples have mutual understanding for one another on an emotional level.  This means they are aware of their spouse’s needs and think of ways to meet those needs. They protect, nurture and care for one another in their relationship.  As couples self-disclose their intimate feelings, they draw closer together by creating lasting bonds.

This marital friendship can spark the romance even more; binding couples together in a way that brings emotional security, while honesty and trust brings peace to their relationship.  Gottman explains how this type of relationship in a marriage portrays all seven principles in a marriage whether a couple realizes it or not.

In Gottman’s study, he found that a happy couple carries a secret weapon.  This secret weapon is the ability to repair.  This repair attempt is the ability to defuse a heated conversation that would ultimately lead down an ugly road of negativity.  While each couple handles disagreements and arguments differently, this type of repair allows couples to react in a situation where humor or the words “I’m sorry” can defuse the negativity from escalating.

We have the ability to create our own powerful story as we decide who we are at the core of our being.  In the book, Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD said that a marriage is not about a set of skills we have obtained but the “thoughts, feelings, and actions that are the measure of [our] character” are the key factors in a creating a lasting relationship between each other and with God (p 26).

Contract Marriage Verses Covenant Marriage

Marriage can mean many different things to people.  Some feel marriage is just a contract between two people who love each other until “death do we part.”  This concept leaves one feeling hopeless when their spouse passes, knowing that they will never see them again.  Today a friend passed away from a sudden heart attack leaving behind her sweet husband.  If they had a contractual marriage this would have been the end for this couple but instead they have been blessed with a covenant marriage.  A covenant marriage is a different kind of marriage, one that is eternal in nature and one that lasts forever.  This type of marriage is preformed in Temples of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This type of marriage is one that will last beyond this life as husband and a wife make sacred promises between each other and to God.  A covenant marriage will not leave one feeling hopeless upon the death of a spouse.

In Bruce Hafen’s talk, Covenant Marriage, he speaks on how in contractual marriages couples that tend to struggle can simply walk away when it becomes too difficult because they were only in it for personal benefits.  Hafen notes that couples would often only work at a 50 percent rate on their marriage.  He goes on to say how covenant marriages are different because they are bound together with God.  According to Hafen, couples work through their struggles, each person giving 100 percent to their the marriage.

Struggles do come, so what happens to covenant marriages when these challenges come?  After all, they do put forth a 100 percent in their marriages?  We learn that covenant couples view their marriages as being ordained by God.  They want to make their marriage work so they are willing to work for the eternal happiness. They keep their covenants to each other and to God by building a strong relationship through faith, forgiveness, respect, love and work. They understand their divine roles as individuals and as a family unit.  In a society that is quick to fix their problems through measures like divorce, it is more more fulfilling to know couples who are working together in patience, persistence and endurance in obtaining a happy and eternal marriage.

Children Matter

While many of us have core beliefs and values regarding same-sex marriage vs. traditional marriage, it is important that we come to a common understanding of respecting each other’s views.  Our society is hanging by a thread as we debate this issue along with many others regarding what is best for our society.  I hope that we can all come to understand that children are the source for our future.  We as a society should be looking towards their needs instead of our own. 

Children were discussed very little in the Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage.  It was mostly based on what should be granted to adults who love each other.  For me, I would ask, what is best for the children?

In the Supreme Court hearing we hear from Justice Roberts on the history of marriage in our society.  “Marriage did not come about as a result of a political movement, discovery, disease, war, religious doctrine, or any other moving force of world history—and certainly not as a result of a prehistoric decision to exclude gays and lesbians. It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship.” See G. Quale, A History of Marriage Systems 2 (1988);

Justice Roberts goes on to say, “the premises supporting this concept of marriage are so fundamental that they rarely require articulation. The human race must procreate to survive. Procreation occurs through sexual relations between a man and a woman. When sexual relations result in the conception of a child, that child’s prospects are generally better if the mother and father stay together rather than going their separate ways. Therefore, for the good of children and society, sexual relations that can lead to procreation should occur only between a man and a woman committed to a lasting bond.“

It is interesting to me that every family studies class I have taken agrees with Justice Roberts’s statement regarding children.  Children need a father and a mother.  Each parent brings different roles to the family establishing an environment that only a father and mother can provide for their children.  As humans, we all want to know who we are and where we come from as it bring us a sense of security.

In the letter from Katy Faust, Dear Justice Kennedy: An Open Letter from the Child of a Loving Gay Parent, she speaks of these truths.  While she loves all of her parents, she truly understands the need of having a father and a mother.  Through her own experience she is advocating for the rights of children.   I stand on her side.  We must think of the repercussions our society will have as we change traditional marriage to same-sex marriage.  It will change our society forever.